Irony Alert: Pipe smoking banned at pipe smoking convention

A huge win for the Nanny State as pipe smokers learn they'll have to enjoy their convention without actually smoking their pipes:

ST. CHARLES, Ill., May 3 (UPI) -- The United States' largest gathering of pipe smokers is being held near Chicago but none are lighting up inside the convention center, aficionados lament.

Illinois law requires pipe smokers attending the Chicagoland International Pipe & Tobacciana Show to retreat to a tent 15 feet away from the St. Charles convention center if they want to enjoy a puff or two, the Chicago Tribune reported Saturday.

This is a case of the law protecting unsuspecting citizens who, before the "15-foot rule," might have mistakenly wandered into a PIPE SMOKERS CONVENTION not knowing that they would be subjected to actual pipe smoking. A victory for the common dolt!

Organizers had sought unsuccessfully to get an exception to the state law that went into effect this year, arguing it was essentially a private club meeting.

That argument didn't fly with anti-smoking advocates.

"This is the first time we've seen such a blatant attempt ... to actually undermine the law through legal sophistry," said Mike Grady of the American Cancer Society in Illinois. "We're very happy with the outcome. This is the perfect example that the law is being enforced."

The first time they've seen a blatant attempt to undermine the law through legal sophistry? Is that a joke? I guess that depends on what the meaning of "is" is.

Great actor, great cause

Denzel Washington, who gives out annual scholarships for college students studying neuroscience, went to New York's Mount Vernon High School on Friday to talk about opportunities in the health care industry:

Washington — who won Oscars for his performances in "Training Day" (2001) and "Glory" (1989) — says actors, rappers and basketball stars get more recognition, but someone in a hospital bed is more impressed by a good doctor. He says inner-city students might not be aware of all the opportunities available, and he urged the excited Mount Vernon kids to apply for his scholarships.

It's incredibly refreshing to hear a movie star talk about the number of more achievable, and intrinsically worthwhile, opportunities outside of the world of entertainment.

Bus system blitzed in Seattle Times

As Seattle's Sound Transit debates the timing of another rail-expansion bid, The Cato Institute's Randal O'Toole reminds us that our current mass-transit system--buses--are under-used:

Transit agencies that want to save energy and reduce greenhouse-gas emissions should focus on increasing bus loads or reducing the size of their buses. The average King County Metro bus has 44 seats, yet carries on average just 14 passengers. Concentrating service in areas where loads are higher, and using smaller buses in areas or at times of day where loads are lower, will do far more to save energy than building rail transit.

But the music to my ears comes later in his piece, when he confirms what I've been saying for years:

Cities that really want to save energy should focus on the form of transport people use most: automobiles. As Lave noted, "the biggest components matter most," so improving the mode that moves 95 percent of people will do far more than the mode that moves only 2 percent of people.

The most important thing cities can do is relieve congestion. The Texas Transportation Institute estimates urban congestion wastes nearly 3 billion gallons of fuel each year, in turn emitting 28 million tons of CO2. This has more than quintupled since 1982.

John Lennon imagined a world without heaven or hell, nothing to live or die for and "no religion, too." But imagine something a little more achievable: imagine a government that tried to solve real (while admittedly more pedestrian) problems, namely, traffic congestion. Not only would our lives be a little easier, but there would be less pollution. Some may say that I'm a dreamer...

Clinton to Obama: "I'm coming for you!"

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania -- Fresh from her easy primary victory in Pennsylvania, US Democratic presidential candidate Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) warned Senator Obama that she will continue cutting into his lead in pledged delegates.

"And if I run into you on the campaign trail," Clinton warned during a speech to supporters, "I'm going to use my karate skills and put an end to all this hope stuff once and for all. Like this! HIYAAA!"

Sitting in the wings, former President Clinton appeared to be frightened.

Eco-friendly commuting, idea # 103

Gliding across the water on the heads of four Spanish swimmers! Why didn't I think of that? Gotta love those '08 Olympics!

Natural selection in action

Nature has a funny way of weeding out the gene pool. For instance, this story from the Yakima Herald:

A 20-year-old man shot himself in the groin early Sunday while trying to hide a shotgun down his pants, city police said. A news release did not describe the injury except to say that it was "serious."

Really? A shotgun blast to the family jewels is "serious"? These are the kinds of factoids that make the Yakima Herald invaluable.

The victim was being treated at Harborview Medical Center in Seattle. His injuries were not expected to be life-threatening, medical officials told police.

Excellent. He's going to be okay. What a relief, especially considering that we're dealing with one of our community's most respectable citizens:

Officers responded to the 700 block of North 24th Avenue about 1:30 a.m. Sunday. They found the victim on the side of the road.

He had fired two rounds from the double-barrelled weapon, police said.

Police were continuing to investigate after they recovered the shotgun and an additional firearm reported stolen at the house where the shooting took place

That's right -- a man who tried to hide a reportedly stolen shotgun in his pants has shot himself in the groin.

Cosmic justice comes to Yakima.

Speaking of antiwar protests...

Courtesy of Boing Boing: When faced with antiwar protesters, I'd like to see police deploy this weapon:

A British businessman fed up with being targeted by vandals has installed a 30-foot Roman-style catapult on the premises to hurl bucket loads of chicken manure at culprits attacking his rural offices.

Former stuntman Joe Weston-Webb thinks the vandals are in cahoots with competitors of his company, aptly named Grumpy Joe's Flooring Sales, in the River Soar valley of Nottinghamshire, England.

The defense arrangements, which include priming the catapult with chicken droppings from a nearby farm, include 32 closed-circuit TV cameras, security fencing and motion-sensor lights — all guarded by a no-nonsense sign that reads:

"WARNING: These premises are protected by smart poo ..."

Can dumb protesters be fought with smart poo? Clearly something to research.

That'll teach 'em!

What better way to punish President Bush and his supporters for the war in Iraq, other than making traffic worse for one day for everybody?

About 20 protesters were arrested about a block from the U.S. Capitol after blocking traffic. In some cases, police had to drag the protesters off the street.

In Syracuse, police arrested 20 protesters who blocked traffic by creating a mock Baghdad street scene. One person dressed in camouflage lay on the ground. Another was covered in a white sheet with red markings and a woman leaned over as if grieving. They were from a group of more than 100 demonstrators who marched downtown in a steady rain over the lunch hour.

If this war continues, protesters will have no other choice but to block checkout lines at Costco and take extra time when they're in front of you at the ATM machine.

Creepy CNN site image

Is it just me, or is there something odd about Larry's smile, considering the topic? This guy looks pretty enthused about going "inside the forbidden world of high-class call girls".

Prison Bake

Thanks to Fark.com, this story comes to us from Denmark:

Four Danish prison guards were treated for poisoning after eating a cake laced with drugs that was baked by prisoners, Denmark's Ekstra Bladet tabloid reported on Thursday.

Apparently Denmark is home to the world's most gullible prison guards. What were they thinking? "Hey, we had to beat them with our night sticks on Monday, but on Tuesday they baked us a cake. These hardened criminals must have had a change of heart. Eat up!"

Deputy prison warden Una Jensen confirmed the cake had been baked by "one or several prisoners", hardened criminals belonging to the Black Cobra and Den Internationale Klub gangs.

"We've never experienced such a violent attack on our members," Bo Soerensen, head of the Danish prison guards' union told Ekstra Bladet. He called the drugging an "attack on the entire Danish penitentiary model and the good tradition of where guards and prisoners interact in an informal manner."

Look, I am as much as against baking dangerous cakes for prison guards as the next guy. But can this really be seen as a violent attack on all Danish prison guards? Perhaps what the gang members were really trying to do was alert us to exactly which guys aren't cut out to be keeping an eye on the place. And perhaps it's time for a say, less informal, relationship between guards and perps? Here's some free advice: if the cake says "With love, the Black Cobras" don't eat it.

Obamania hits the tabloids

I've returned from the Hawaiian Islands with a frightening report on the tabloidization of American politics. First an admission: I use my wife as an excuse to, on occasion, buy copies of Us Weekly and People magazines (for her, of course). Yes, buying these magazines is the literary equivalent of rubbernecking past a grisly pileup and probably less excusable. But as far as I'm concerned if you want a front row seat from which to watch the decline of Western Civilization, pick up a copy of these magazines.

So anyway, there I am at Seattle-Tacoma International Airport with an hour to kill. I shamefully plunked down my money, opened a copy of People magazine and there, sandwiched between stories about celebrity struggles with mental illness, kidnapped coeds and bombed-out bimbo pop stars, was this:I would have written this piece a little differently. "WE TAKE HIS TEMPERATURE: SOCIALIZED MEDICINE? HOT! WAR IN IRAQ? NOT!"

This incisive piece of political journalism includes lots of hard-hitting questions, such as:So this is what it comes down to? In its battle to win over women (the primary audience for People magazine) the Obama campaign thinks that the candidate should answer the questions that American babes really want to know? Because apparently they don't want to know about winning the war on terror or fixing our entitlement programs or simplifying the tax code. They want to know:Fine. I get it. On matters of style he's no different than most heterosexual men. But should a presidential candidate lower himself to this level? Before you answer, consider Obama's Us Weekly appearance, timed perfectly with People's.Us Weekly famously features candid "just like us" celebrity photos, featuring dressed-down stars doing regular things like pumping gas or walking their dogs. Not to be outdone by Brittney, here's Barack Obama's "just like us" (not-so-candid) photo shoot:B.S. CLEANUP ON ISLE 5! How many of "us" shop with secret service agents?I for one can't wait for Senator John McCain's Us Weekly treatment: "WHAT'S HE REALLY LIKE? WE TAKE HIS TEMPERATURE: THE SURGE? HOT! MITT ROMNEY? NOT!"